About Me

I have something to say... But a blog let's me spew until I figure out what it is.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Waiting in an airport

I'm sitting in a quiet wing of Tampa airport for the flight that will take me to New Jersey - one leg of my adventure to NYC for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention Out of the Darkness walk. I can't help, for some reason, to be slightly sick to my stomach. Am I really DOING this? Am I really flying 1200 miles to join others who have lost someone they love to suicide? I can't help but be surprised that this is a part of my life now. I can't help but be mad about a few things. I can't help but think of my brother more often than I normally would and cry.

I miss him so much. Why isn't he here anymore? Why couldn't he know how much we loved him?

I have been thinking long and hard for the past nine months about those awful days in September and how about so few people knowing "what happened". Yes, there are some people who know what happened... Some have talked to those of us that we're closest to the situation and there were able to glean some details out of us... But I consider my fair and balanced attitude a rare gift and something and the honesty with which I write this blog an equal rarity.

So.... It is my plan, leading up to the one year anniversary of George's death to write a series of blog entries about what really went down. Everything that I know - the last things that we said to each other, the events of those days, and anything else that strikes my fancy. This is not a decision that I have taken lightly... It comes from MONTHS of thinking about it.... But I feel like a year is more than enough time and I have gotten to a point where if need the closure for good. Without these entries I will just be holding on to a lot of stuff.

Some of you may choose not to read it ...that's ok.
Some of you may not agree wit it... Thats ok too.
Some of you may think that it's in bad taste... I don't really care. I love you. But I don't care.

So if you are interested, keep an eye out starting in august. In the interest of keeping everything short enough to read, I'm going to break it down into weekly mini chapters.

They are boarding My plane. Here goes nothing.

God give me the strength to finish this. I really should have trained.

1 comment:

  1. We are with you Jen and so is George. He will be carryng you when you get tired and give you the strength to finish this unwanted but important walk. I have no doubt in my mind. And my God how very proud he is of you, as we all are. Love uncle Glenn

    ReplyDelete