Life's Full of TOUGH Choices - Inn'it???

Yes - that's right. I quoted The Little Mermaid.

Well, I can finally say it. I am leaving my current job for another opportunity. This, primarily, has been the biggest point of contention for me in the last few weeks.

Why I am leaving is not so important - but the stress of making this decision has been rather impressive.

I never cease to be amazed at how difficult it is to make a change. Whether its losing weight, moving, or changing jobs, change doesn't come all that easily. No matter how you believe the change is going to be better for you in the long run, there is something that holds you back. It's inexplicable and non-sensical but its there all the same.

I have considered leaving this job a few times. Its a wonderful organization in which I have earned my stripes - I have matured over the last few years and this position has seen me blossom from an over-confident sassy pants to a centered, business-minded diplomat with a strong opinion (some things will never change). I love the people that I work with. I have a tremendous respect for our fearless leader and what he has been able to accomplish over the last three years. The place has sucked me in, loved me, hated me, and helped me to find my legs.

Ultimately, I became bored - I found myself lacking daily challenges that keep me enthusiastic about going into work every day. For a long time, I got angry about it and raged against it like a spoiled teenager who didn't get the car she wanted. Then one day I woke up and said to myself: "You have two options - acknowledge that this is what it is, that it isn't going to change, and shut the fuck up OR take inventory of what you have been able to accomplish and see if it translates into something other people want and take the risk. (and shut the fuck up)"

So - accepting the things I cannot change - off my resume went. All two of them.

And within two days - I got a call on one of them.

And yet, despite the fact that it is a MIRACLE to get a call so quickly in this economy, I wasn't able to be excited. The prospect of change has locked me up so tightly that I couldn't even process what was happening. I had developed so much security in knowing my job, where I was working, who I was surrounded by, etc. that the idea of going anywhere else was about as feasible as becoming a super model.

To add issue to injury (yes, I changed the phrase), I have always been the type of person that believed the idea that when something is "right" it comes together easily and when it's "wrong" it won't be easy and you will feel like you a forcing it.

So, when I couldn't make a decision about the job, couldn't find a care provider that I felt great about for Olivia, realized that I would be dramatically adjusting how often I would see Olivia during the week and the additional responsibility that would be put on my husband (who already does SO much around here), I felt like the universe was trying to tell me not to take this position.

But - then my damn therapist kept repeating the same phrase: "We do things others will not do so we may have things others will not have" and so I insisted on reaching for the opportunity that I knew would ultimately support me and my family better in the long run and insisted on this opportunity even though it went against every comfortable feeling in my body.

I took the three interviews.
I fashioned my thank you notes.
I kept it low key.
I didn't get over-committed to the idea of leaving.
I didn't tell everyone and their mother what I was doing.
I got the offer.
I found alternative childcare and got Olivia enrolled even though I hated how far away it was.
I gave my notice.
And then I was offered the PERFECT care for my daughter that would allow me to drop her off every morning AND Skype with her during the day.

So I went from not loving the arrangement, to actually winding up with the perfect arrangement despite every concern and ever obstacle thrown at me.

So what does it all mean?

I guess it means that what you perceive as instincts aren't always actually instincts. Sometimes instincts are actually "fear" masked as instincts - and they creep in to your psych, shake you of your confidence and laugh at you as they destroy your ability to achieve whatever it is you have been planning.

I have no idea if I made the right choice or not - in fact, I have never been so unsure of myself - but maybe that's the sign of my maturity. I know that I confident in my work and what I bring to the table professionally and that they saw something in me that they liked and believe that I can make a contribution to their company - that's it. Everything else is speculation and doubt.

So... here I go. Another Chapter in the life of a 30-year-old New Jersey transplant trying to prepare for her thirties and the life of her little girl.