To Whom It May Concern

It's been a while since I last posted - my apologies to those who actually look forward to my blogs - things have been really hectic and I just simply haven't found the time to write.

Its been a very long week for me - and by "week" I mean the last 5 days collectively.

And so - today I offer you my "Letter to the World" - to the people I surround myself with - to the people who are in my life and the shananagins that make me mad... consider this my formal "fuck you very much letter".

To Whom It May Concern:
This is what you get with me. You may not believe it, but I have no agenda. I am not secretly plotting against you for my own personal advancement. I make no qualms about thinking I do good work, that I am committed to excellence, but I will no longer torture myself for perfectionism.

I make mistakes. I will be HAPPY to own up to them (and even apologize!) but I will not take responsibility for things beyond the reach of things that were my fault. If you ask for anything beyond that from me you can go fuck yourself. I will not be bullied into taking more than is mine to take.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve - its one of the things that makes me who I am so if it doesn't work for you - I. Don't. Care. I will do my part to have more rational beliefs in what is going on around me, but it won't stop me from getting sad or mad from time to time and crying about it.

While I may have, at one time, been insecure - I don't care what you think. I will not be so cliche as to say "Life is too short to blah blah blah..." but I will say that I want to be HAPPY far more than I want your approval and since I have learned that my HAPPINESS is in no way hinged on your APPROVAL - we seem to have reached a crossroad, my friend.

My priorities are my priorities - your priorities are your priorities - we don't usually share the same ones and I will not help you meet your priorities at the expense of my own.

I will not look to people for support, so don't be disappointed when you look to me for support and it isn't there. I've spent most of my life going to bat for people who, in my mind, were given the short end of the stick with the unspoken hope that one day I would be in a similar position and they would do the same for me. But I have news for you - I am still beat up, spit out, and undefended. Shame on you, Jenn, for living with so many expectations of other people - sitting in judgment on whether they did or they didn't meet your expectations.

But here's the double-edged component of it, people. If it is not appropriate to live my life expecting things of you, it is just as inappropriate for you to do it of me.

I am not interested in whether you like me or not. I am not interested in your acceptance. I don't care if you think I am too direct. I don't really have an opinion about whether you believe that I play fair or not.

I am who I am.
I am proud of my accomplishments.
I apologize for NOTHING unless I have hurt you - because my intention is NEVER EVER EVER to hurt anyone.

Ever.

And if you don't know me well enough or can't take the time to know that about me, then that's YOUR problem - not mine. Because you sat on it. Whined about it. Talked about me behind my back and withheld from me (and yourself) the opportunity to come to an understanding and to apologize for it.

You poor thing. You victim you.

I will not live my life feeling shamed or fearful or scared or manipulated.

I am in control of myself - what I choose to live with and what I do not choose to live with. Your game is going to change because you lost the leverage you once had in interacting with me but I am no longer concerned about whether I am making your life harder.

And lastly, BACK OFF. I don't need to babysat, watched, micromanaged, guided, instructed, or taught. I am happy to ask for help and have learned (finally) that it isn't a weaknesses - so when you shove it at me, its just fucking annoying. It's disrespectful and it shows that you presume I don't know any better. Well - here's a little note: It makes you look pushy, controlling, and opinionated. What does that mean for me? It means that at one time - when I just couldn't keep my "pearls of wisdom" to myself, I was pushy, controlling and opinionated - so I am not saying ONE thing to you that I haven't acknowledged in myself.

It definitely feels better for people to ASK for your opinion.

I stubbornly refuse to make myself miserable about practically anything. But I got some decisions to make.

Love always,
Jenn