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I have something to say... But a blog let's me spew until I figure out what it is.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Put that kid in TIME OUT

So there I was - standing in the mall, trying to coordinate with Josh when and where we would rendevous when it happened.

Like her own little tsunami, a little girl began screaming in the distance. Her father, tired of her shenanigans, swept her up as she proceeded to scream and kick and fight for her freedom and to, presumably, get what she wanted which she was obviously in the process of NOT getting. The dad carried her - sideways - as she continued to bellow and cry and kick her feet. As they approached her screams became so loud that Josh and I were forced to stop speaking to one another untils he passed so we could continue talking and planning our meetup.

I couldn't help myself. The judgementalness bubbled up and over and I looked at Josh and said: "Really. Seriously? Put her in time out. Give'er to me. I'll do it. Look. There's a bench right there"... but I, of course, did nothing of the sort, finished my conversation and proceed to shop for shoes.

And then... there I was in the courthouse in Tampa. I had a break (one of many) and was admiring the lobby from the second floor of the courthouse when I heard a relentless screaming of a small child - this one a boy - from the floor below.

As I peered over the railing of the second story, I saw a little boy sprawled out on the floor screaming. His mother, oh-so-involved in her parenting as she stood in line, grabbed him by the back of his shirt near his pants and proceeded to hold him by the shirt - high enough, mind you, that all four limbs were off the floor and he looked remarkably like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible - suspended above the floor so he wouldn't trip any laser sensors.

This time, and I wish I was kidding, I took a full step to the left... heading in the direction of the stairwell.

Yes, that's right. It occured to me, for more than a second, to go downstairs and ask the mom if she would like some help. As the whole make-believe scenario played out in my head it looked like this:

"Hello ma'am. I couldn't help but notice that you are having some trouble controlling your son - who is clearly bored out of his mind standing in this line (as I am sure you are as well) - and as a result is screaming and fussing and carrying on - which, as I am sure you know, is more than slightly disruptive to you and the people immediately surrounding you. What you may not know is that your child can be heard quite clearly on the second floor of this fine establishment. May I step in for a moment and quell the embarrassment that you may (or not be) feeling in this situation while simultaneously restoring sanity to everyone within earshot of your less-than-enthused child?"

Now, I would ask that you remember that this is all in my mind and so her response went something like this:

"Go for it. You think you can fix it, knock yourself out"

"Great," I would reply,"what's his name?"

For the purposes of this blog, let's call the 5-year old boy "Gollum" - because everyone, deep down, wishes they could name their kid "Gollum" either legally or, at least, as a nickname but doesn't because of the scrutiny they were recieve by yelling "Gollum! Sit down!" in a busy restaurant. (Sorry to those readers who have no frame of reference for this Lord of the Rings shoutout). Of course, this is an imaginary scenario, so "Gollum" a) works and b) seems appropriate.

"Gollum. *Gollum Stops*. Hi. My name is Jenn. How are you. *Gollum meekly responds "Hi" to the well-dressed stranger who is addressing him*. Now - Screaming inside is not ok. I am going to ask you to stop right now and sit on the floor quietly while mommy waits in line. I know it's hard because grownups are no fun and this place is no fun, but sometimes we have to do things that aren't fun. If you continue to scream, I will put you in time out. Do you understand? *Gollum nods*. Great. I am going to stand here and spend some time with your mommy now."

Gollum would, of course, continue to act up... at which point I would pick him up, get out of line, go to a quiet corner (perhaps outside where his voice doesn't carry quite as much) and put him in time out for five minutes.

At the end of my little dream sequence, of course, mom was amazed and I walked away quite satisfied with myself - cause that's how I roll.

I know that a common point in my blog is the rage against "lazy parenting" but it seems to be epidemic. I cannot imagine that parents do not feel some kind of embarassment when their child starts acting out in public. You want to know what's more embarassing, people? Not doing anything about it. Scooping your child up and leaving the situation (like the guy in the mall) is still better than sitting there, tuning your kid out (which I have realized becomes very easy to do) and doing nothing about it. As if to say: "Ok, kid - go ahead - embarass yourself."... uhmmmmmm they aren't embarrased. Trust me. Kids at that age are concerned with only one thing - themselves. They haven't developed a sense of self-worth and, more importantly, don't really have the skills to evaluate how their behavior is affecting people around them.

So here is First Time Mom's Guide to Temper Tantrums:
1) Prevention: If you go into the situation prepared for your kid to be bored, they won' tbe bored. Over-estimate how long your trip will be and then come prepared. A trick I usally use is finding something Olivia hasn't played with in a while and then bringing it out when she starts getting antsy. I save it till she starts getting restless though. Honestly, I presume one toy for every fifteen minutes. Olivia is only 2 and its rare that she has a huge attention span for things.

2) It's a KID: You can't hand them a toy and expect them (especially under 5 years old) to wholly entertain themselves. Olivia, for instance may play with a toy by herself for 5 minutes - if she plays WITH me, she is enamoured for 10 minutes or more. You had a kid - you will need to interact with it. The wait in line will go a lot faster for both of you if you start to play together. Heck - chances are that the people nearest to you would be a lot more ok with you setting up shop on the floor with your kid (despite how much room you are taking up) so that your kid will stay quiet and happy than the alternative.

3) When possible, bring backup: If you can swing bringing a person to hold your place in line with you, go explore with your kid. Giving the kid the opportunity to look around and see all the "cool" (to him) things that exist in the "boring" (to you) location you are visiting. If you pay attention to how enamoured your kid is, you can walk away with some pretty cute memories to - so now it was totally worth it.

4) USE. TIMEOUTS. Yes, kids cry in time outs - yes, they wail and carry on. But they stop - and the amount of time that they wail is FAR shorter than the battle you will be waging in the public area without it. Find a quite spot, put them in time out, and return to your business.

5) Leave plenty of time. If you aren't rushing to get something done, it won't be such a big deal if you have to deal with a timeout situation. When kids are a little bit older, you can tell a child "If you don't stop (blah blah blah), then you will be getting a time out when we get home" - and they will remember it. The key, there, of course, is to actually remember it and enforce it - idle threats rarely work more than once.

6) Try counting. Olivia was starting to balk at me telling her that I was going to put her in time out because I didn't have a way of warning her the same way every time. If I was flustered, I sounded angry. If I was patient, I didn't sound serious enough. If Josh and I were laughing about something and she did something on the "absolutely not" list, she didn't believe us when we told her to stop. I always give Olivia to the count of three: "Olivia, no banging the walls. One. No banging the walls. Two. Olivia - No. Banging. The walls. Three... Ok time out." The numbers let Olivia know that I am serious and that she is losing her window of opportunity to stop doing whatever she is doing and that she will not like the consequences.

7) Be consistent. Every. Single. Time. If they are banging on the walls at home and that merits a time out - give it to them. If they are banging on the walls in Olive Garden - that STILL merits a time out. Do not threaten a time out and not follow through on it. You are confusing your kid - how would you like if you were playing a game and someone constantly changes the rules and penalties on you? "I don't understand - yesterday I could side swipe this car and I got a lollipop. Today I sideswipe the car and I'm going to federal prison? I don't get it!"

8) Don't cut yourself short. Time out is not playtime. No toys. No tv. No making cute faces. No getting out of time out to give me a hug (even though it's super cute). No trying to get me to laugh. "You are in time out". It's not about them saying "I'm sorry" - its about them doing something that they know they shouldn't have done. They can apologize when the time outs over. Time out is meant to be one minute for every year of life. If you have willfull 2-year old, give them a 2.5 minutes. It's not going to kill them. It's meant to be long enough that they aren't having fun and long enough that they can still remember why they are there.

The fact of the matter is - having kids slows us down (for the better and for the worse). Raising a kid who is respectful and spirited at the same time takes an incredible amount of commitment from us as parents. You are giving your kid the short end of the stick if you don't define boundaries and enforce them every time.

They are going to grow up to resent us REGARDLESS of whether we discipline them or not - at the very minimum, we can have some sanity between now and then... and not risk having well-dressed strangers with great hair approach us in a Courthouse and "offer" advice. (and by offer I mean "insist").

2 comments:

  1. "You had a kid - you will need to interact with it."

    Best line ever. SO true.

    ReplyDelete