I decided to tap into my "Ursula" from the Little Mermaid today and draw inspiration from a few of my friends who are going through some tough times as mommies.
It has almost become a cliche for mothers to say "there is nothing tougher in this world than being a mother"... but to all my non-mommy friends out there who read this blog let me just tell you - IT ISN'T some bullshit made up by some mommy friend who was having a bad day and doesn't feel appreciated. If you don't believe me, close my blog and come back when you have kids.
Carrying a baby in your belly, birthing it, and then holding yourself responsible for it for the rest of your natural life is the single hardest thing on the face of this earth. You carry and nurture the baby when its growing inside you. When its born, it is rarely soothed by anyone other than you. When they are toddlers, they will attach to you and seek your approval in everything and look for comfort from you even when you are the one correcting them or denying them something.
What we accept as our responsibility the moment we elect to carry a pregnancy to term is to put these people in our lives above ALL else. Above ourselves, our families, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. Everything. The things you love, the passions you have, the little things that are yours and yours alone dissolve the moment you hear a heartbeat and you assume responsibility for the LIFE of another person.
YOU are responsible for their development. YOU are responsible for encouraging them to do everything from taking their first steps to learning how to swallow solid food for the first time (let me tell you, it's a bit traumatic... they don't tell you that babies will usually gag on it because - well - um - they've never done it before) to brushing their hair and dressing themselves and learning letters and numbers and ALL of the things that you take for granted as an adult. YOU are responsible for showering them with love and helping them grow as a person and backing them even when they are wrong.
You are the one teaching them to make responsible choices and how to take responsibility when they make the wrong ones. For many of us - its the FIRST time we will have truly had to think about someone else OTHER than ourselves. We will dive headfirst into baby poop, we will scoop up our little ones covered in vomit without thinking twice to comfort them. We will disregard ourselves or our well being to make life possible for them.
THIS is what you signed on for as parents when you carried your baby to term.
So let's think, for a second, about the things that you LOST as an individual. No. Seriously. You lost your body (except in my case... somehow having a baby changed the shape of my body for the better). You lost your sleep. You lost some friendships (I am sure). You lost your Independence. You lost your hobbies. You lost your favorite drinks. Etc. Etc. Etc. SERIOUSLY - think about what you have given for your kids already. THINK about the fact that you will continue to lose things for the next however-many-years until they begin their own life...
IS IT WORTH IT?
Of course it is. (And btw if your answer was "no", there is a firehouse that will gladly accept your child and happily find it parents who love it - or call me. I'll take your kid.)
So we have established the things that you gave up and determined that its "worth it" so here is my next question - Are there things in your life which are a threat to your dream/goal of raising your child/children? Are there abusive relationships? Substance abuse? Financial irresponsibilities? Sexual promiscuity?
Keeping these things in your life threatens the plan you have for your kids. Our kids deserve to enjoy their childhood. Our kids have enough to cope with growing up without their parents adding crap into the mix. Sit down and really think to yourself: "Am I providing an environment for my children which will give them the best opportunity to succeed? Am I providing an environment where they can grow and laugh and love and learn the right things about people and relationships? Or am I raising them in an environment where they learn bad habits, bad manners, abuse of ANY sort, and dysfunctional relationships?"
Did you give up your body, your passions, your hobbies, your friends, your Independence for dysfunction???? Because a few seconds ago you said that you gave it up for your kids.
This isn't about us, anymore. It's not about what's easy. It's not about what we would have done as people before we had kids. Life is hard - and our lives are now harder because we are responsible - RESPONSIBLE - for the LIFE of our children.
Here's a "proof" for you: 1. Mom's are superheros. 2. Superman is a superhero. 3. Superman is made weak by Kryptonite. 4. Superman will sooner allow himself to drown in Kryptonite than to allow Lois Lane to drown. 5. Saving Lois is a lot easier when the pool isn't loaded with Kryptonite.
That's right - I'm using a comic book reference people. Sue me. I like Superman. (Not to mention a bad mathematical reference which was executed POORLY. I nearly failed algebra and never did well in geometry so, there ya go.)
Find the Kryptonite - eradicate it - and save your kids. Parenting will never be easy - we at least owe it to ourselves (and our kids) to eliminate the things in life which make it even harder.
And to all my friends out there who are not "where they thought they'd be right now" - none of us are - we just all have our own flavors of it. To all my friends out there waiting for the situation to change - it won't. Change happens when an outside force causes the change to happen - so it's up to you to start the change.
We're all in this together - and we're in good company.
Thanks to all of you for putting up with my bad analogy. I considered taking it out but it even makes me raise my own eyebrow at myself and snicker for it's stupidity so... it stays.
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