The original intent of this blog was to give me an opportunity to speak my mind - a place where I could come to get some things out there in the open for others to read, enjoy and even laugh at. It was a catharsis for me. In the wake of George's death, I was seeking something that helped me to make sense of my life and, in its small part, the Blog gave me the place that I needed to get things off my chest and feel like I was contributing something - to offset the sense of loss that I was feeling.
For those few of you who were "avid" readers of my blog, I am sure you stayed awake countless hours wondering where I went and why I stopped posting my weekly anecdotes of the chaos around me. Well, I was hiding the truth of my life - completely counter to the intent of the Blog in the first place, interestingly. The events in my personal life were well-timed to the blog fizzling as the personal hurricane ripping through my family lined up with the one year anniversary of George's death and the entries specific to his passing. I thought I was safe hiding behind the veil of "this topic is uncomfortable for me and so the postings are less frequent".
The truth of the matter is, the empire I had built for myself was collapsing. I had made the difficult decision to move to Florida with my husband to buy a house and start a family of my own in a state where we could afford to make such dreams a reality.
I quit a good job where I made decent money (particularly for my age). I moved to a state I knew nothing about to be closer to my brother who I was missing as I got older and was looking forward to our adult relationship. I was heading my own advice and was trying to live boldly and without fear.
Two weeks before I was going to move to Florida, my brother told me that he was moving to North Carolina to follow his heart - I should have called the whole thing off right then but I ignored my gut.
My experience since moving to Florida has been one folly after another. George moved away 4 weeks after I arrived. We bought a house as prices in Florida started to fall. We got pregnant in July of 2008, my husband lost his job in March of 2009 but started new work the week of my daughter's birth in April. I endured 9 solid months of postpartum depression before finally coming out of the haze in February of 2010.
And for 7 months, I enjoyed my marriage, my daughter, my home and the family I had created.
Then, in September of 2010, George died. In October, I flew to New Jersey for the memorial. I entered Therapy and felt wholly disconnected from everything in my universe. In March, I flew to Pennsylvania for another memorial for my brother - this one hosted by my dad.
In May, the creep of "I'm turning 30" hit me - the reality that my 20's are officially over; a chapter that included Rutgers University, amazing friendships, concerts, participating in community theatre, late nights in Jersey Diners, random road trips to New York City, singing with Sarah and Dave on the rare occasions where we could come together... those ten amazing years were over. I sat on my back porch in my under-developed neighborhood (the same back porch where I spoke with the investigator in charge of my brother's death) and did the cliche thing of asking myself: "Is this as good as its going to get for me? An only child with a confusing parental relationship, a husband who I can't relate to and who can't relate to me, in a house I don't love that has come to represent many terrible things for me - placed in the middle of a development wasteland from which we will likely never recoup our investment?"
Then, things really started happening. In late August, my marriage started taking weird turns. In September he wanted out. By our 5-year wedding anniversary (September 23), he had moved out. In January, my divorce was finalized - and the newly-ex-husband lost his job. In February, the newly-ex-husband moved back to New Jersey. In May he became employed and in June I started collecting child support.
And so finally, after 8 months of emotional drama, financial stress, turbulence, moving in with my mom and trying to figure out what life as a single mother meant - I was approaching that time when I could ENJOY the money I was earning, start figuring out how to be independent and live my 30th year... except by now, I was 31.
July 23rd, I lost my job.
And so the whirlwind bullshit of my life continues - a 31 year old unemployed single mother (now THERE is a headline for my Plenty Of Fish profile).
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am no stranger to adversity. Overall, we are a surviving crew and have endured many things. I do NOT count myself among the types of people who LIKE to wallow in self-pity and whine about the things that happen to them. I am a do-er. I am a go-getter. I believe our lives are what we make of them.
But I have to be honest here, I am feeling like I have had my teeth kicked in, wind knocked out of me, money stolen from my wallet and identity stolen to boot.
YES, universe, I get it - I have been living an inauthentic life. You have made your point clear.
YES, universe, I get it - the phoenix can only rise from the ashes.
YES, universe, I get it - you have to knock everything down in order to build back up from the ground level.
But the interim is complete HORSESHIT - I'M JUST SAYIN'.
In the end, I have decided that the blog shall be resurrected - and expanded. My straight-forward parenting observations will still be here - but the timbre of my life is far too global at the moment for me to focus exclusively on one thing.
So, from this point forward, the Blog is about the process of building this shit back up one brick at a time. Where do I go from here? Who do I want to be? What do I REALLY want to do with my LIFE? The way I see it, the co-dependent atrocity that usurped the last 10 years of my life can only be redeemed by my ability to value this opportunity to build a new life for myself with the wisdom I have at 30 rather than the misguided dreams of my 20s - and with an appreciation that I am not yet in my 40s or 50s when the whole house of cards imploded.
So what do you say "devout readers" (delusions of grandeur abound) - are you with me?