... to be thankful for...

It has been a rough year in the Boyle household. In early January, my husband's mom died suddenly. There was a steady stream of parental units living in the house for the better part of the year. I switched Olivia's day-care provider. Found my footing as a parent. Finally came out of my post-partum depression haze of the previous year. All leading up to the very abrupt death of my younger sibling.

From November 1st through December 31st, you can usually find me walking on air. It is, by far, the best time of year for me - little goes wrong, everyone is a twitter with activity and, usually, the family draws closer together as they overindulge and enjoy each other's company.

Up until today, the spirit of the season has been a little lackluster. While I knew months ago that I would have no family in Florida through the holidays and subsequently planned large gatherings of friends local to us, George's death hit a nerve. It was as though I was standing in a bell tower when the church elected to ring the bell and noone had provided ear covering.

"Bonnnnggggg - your family is far away. Bonnnnnnnnnnggg - your family, as you once knew it, has desolved completely. Bonnnnnnggg - you are all alone. Bonnnnnnnggggggg......"

It is easy to wrap yourself up in these types of negativities - but as is "my way" I have a tendancy to turn the tables on myself and change my perspective. So, in a rather cliche attempt to find my Thanksgiving Mojo, I have decided to make a list of the top-four things I am thankful for this year:

4. My Job
The unemployment rate in Tampa, Florida as of September was 12.4% - ranking the city 334th out of 372 metropolitan cities according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (compared to the New Jersey/New York/Pennsylvania Metro area currently experiencing a unemployment rate of 8.5% - representing a 187th place ranking!)

In spite of this horrible economic climate, I managed to secure a job in March, 2008 (when the unemployment rate was still on the rise) at Southeastern Guide Dogs. Having never worked for a non-profit before, I had no idea how risky a move it could be - but coming from the construction industry (THE hardest hit industry in Florida) anything was better than the sinking ship I was currently a passenger of.

But my appreciation for this job goes SO MUCH deeper than just having the job. In a time when many are stuck in positions they are overqualified for at companies they have little if any respect for or, as is the case for many, no job at all - I actually have a job I love coming to everyday. Sure - it has its headaches. There are days where I can't wait for the clock to strike 4:30 and I can run home to my daughter. But, on the whole, I am challenged by my work, I am able to make a huge impact both internally at my organization and in the lives of other people, and I am given professional freedom to think outside the box and develop existing or new programming. It is rare to achieve this level of professional satisfaction at any age - let alone 29.

3. My Marriage
I am blessed enough to have a supportive husband who treats me as an equal, who values my opinion and shares (for the most part) my enjoyments. As we age together, we have definately changed our common iterests, but I have come to realize that with age comes a shift in priorities. It's not nso important, anymore, that you enjoy the same music and both love going to movies. What becomes the priority is whether you support each other's life goals. Do you challenge each other to love as much as you can in the face of never-ending changes. Can you survive financial draughts, setbacks, parenting and all the other life challenges that come your way. The surgeries, the family deaths, the family celebrations and everything in between?

Suddenly, the you start to deconstruct your vows and realize that the commitments you made when you stood in front of your friends, family and God were lip service at the time - because growing together in your relationship is the true validation test of the vows you spoke.

2. My Family
I was raised to believe that family was the end-all-be-all of life. My grandmother, who was not the most affectionate woman, was also the woman well-respected by the community and loved (deeply) by those around her. What she lacked in hugs and "I love you"s, she made up in an openess you rarely find in women of her generation. A single mother raising three boys in Brooklyn, NY, she took no shit from anyone. You didn't mess with Dottie.

What she instilled in her boys was a sense of familial responsibility and, even more importantly, the ability to enjoy each other's presence in your life - to find the humor in everything you do - and to live life to the fullest no matter how illogical your choices might be. The trickle-down-effect instilled the same beliefs in all the grandchildren (there are 6 of us) and the desire to continue the tradition of family with our kids.

In September (a week after my brother died), I had the incredible pleasure of joining my cousin Kelly Ann in North Carolina for her wedding. It was the first time we had ALL been together since Grandma's death in 2003. Despite the fact that some of us hadn't seen each other in 7 years or more (in some cases), they were like a familiar sweatshirt you pull out on the coldest days of the winter. Being with family is akin to lighting a fire on Christmas Eve, snuggling up in your favorite old sweatshirt with a warm hot cocoa (with marshmellows of course) and letting yourself enjoy the mezmorizing effect of the fire's flames as it warms your skin.

I am so blessed to be a Gumpert. We laugh like no other family. We love like no other family. We party like no other family. And we protect each other like no other family.

1. My Daughter
Well, you had to see that one coming.

When I was in the throws of my post-partum depression (more on that in a future blog post), I began going to a church nearby. At the time, I went partially out of a personal need to be away from the house. But more than that - I was searching from something... I just had no idea what it was.

During one of the services, I was listening to Pastor Mark and something he said brought me to tears. I couldn't tell you what he said as its been quite a long time, but the result of his words landed in my heart and said: God made Olivia exactly the way she is specifically for you.

I cried.

To that point (and for a few months beyond it) I realized that I was failing as a parent. I hadn't yet acknowledged that I was suffering the effects of Post-Partum, but even at a basic level had not accepted that my expectations on her were too steep. Olivia's nose, her smell, her bald head, her tiny toes, her chubby belly... all existed because God said "You two shall be parents". Yes, I know - Olivia exists because sperm met egg - but in my view... THAT sperm met THIS egg to produce THIS child based on God's plan for us all. Olivia was made perfect - it was my expectations that were wrong.

Once the cloud of post-partum lifted, the warm sun that was the joy of my daughter shown brightly. She is loving. She is compassionate. She is stubborn and determined. She is wholly my daughter and she loves me. For the way that she has taught me patience, compassion, and gratitude - she is the single most important thing in my life and most definately the greatest thing to be thankful for.

As we approach the Holidays, I hope each of you will make your own small list of the things that you appreciate having. Life can be very very hard. We can be broke and jobless. We may have recently lost a very important loved one. We may be going through a divorce or a messy breakup. But I can assure you that there is something in you life you can "hang your thanks on".

Diversity, anguish and challenges are a part of life - and how much shit is doled out to you is not within your control (most of the time). The question is how much you will let that diversity run your life, or if you will take those things you are joyful about and run in a different direction.

As we say at Southeastern Guide Dogs (on a regular basis) - "It's not a challenge - it's an opportunity."