... and then the fog rolled in.

Life's ebbs and flows have definately knocked me around for the last 4 weeks. I sit in my living room thinking about how I haven't written a blog in a while - sad that I am being inconsistent and losing readership - unmotivated to write anything.

For the last few weeks, I am assuming in part to certain activities in life which have been happening around me, I started coping with some mild depression. Not the "woe is me" kind of depression and not the "I can't take it anymore kind of depression" but the kind of depression where you feel like something is pushing on your shoulders all the time. I have been unmotivated, tired, crabby, and non-excitable. I can smile and laugh when something is funny, but generally I have had very little desire to do anything or to talk about anything.

I miss New Jersey.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
I miss my brother.
I miss my cousins.
I feel invisible at home.
I don't have any confidence in my potential.
I over sympathized with friends and cried uncontrollably for what seemed to be no reason.
I feel fat.
I'm tired all the time.
I feel trapped.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.

Anyway. I spoke with my therapist about it, identified when things started to change and I am working to fix it. Generally speaking, I rarely to never have boughts of this kind of feeling. I think that this is the second time in my life that I can recall feeling this way. We are trying some St. John's Wort to see if that helps at all (generally, it has been working pretty ok - the anxiety attacks have stopped and I don't cry over nothing but still have the feeling I want to cry).

I am going to start working to put together a list of topics - I really do want this blog to be consistent and dependable. If not for the 13 people I have reading semi-regularly, for the random web-searchers that hobble accross my page. Its been hard to find a voice for the blog - somewhere between mommy-centric stuff, general life content, and coping with George's suicide.

So I guess I want to turn this on you - the reader. What has "spoken to you" the most about my blog? What are the things that you like to read (and that you think have been my strengths)? Sometimes we get so close, we can't see the forest through the trees - and its best to ask someone for perspective.

What'dya think?